Sunday, June 08, 2008
I'm being tested. I just know it. "You cannot serve two masters..." I'm angsty tonight. Some things I cannot explain, no matter how hard I try to understand. Maybe for now, I am not meant to. "I'm angsty," I told my daughter. "Yes, it radiates from your pores mama," she says. "Why?" I ask her. "Why is __________ taking it out on me? What have I done?" I ask her, my 17 year old going on 45 daughter. "Because you are there and because _________ is confused and hurting and you are the only available target for that pain," she says. I stop, and think. She makes sense. A lot of it. We have the makings of a brilliant psychiatrist here. What do I want to tell YOU? I just want you to know that I continue to pray for you. That no matter how much you uknowingly or knowingly try to hurt me, it's okay. It makes me angsty, but I'll get over it. Maybe I should just take you out of the equation and focus on why I am here, at this time. And why I do the things I do. It's not about you. No longer about you, or me. This is BEYOND you and me. Maybe HE is testing me -- who do you serve? What is your purpose? In case you are reading this I want to share with you what Ken Gire said -- "When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces. But he doesn't put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, he sifts through the rubble and selects some of the shards as raw material for another project -- a mosaic that tells the story of redemption." I know this is a tough time for you. And no matter how much you try to convince yourself, no partner, or friend or loved one can make it better. Only God will see you through. I pray that you find hope instead of despair and find joy in the midst of your sorrow. It's really always a choice. I pray that you find forgiveness instead of hate. Let's stop focusing on ourselves and instead focus our love and support on the person who needs it. Let us find joy in the miracles we are being shown even if in your eyes they seem inconsequential, they are miracles nevertheless, and God's hand is at work, just the same. When crisis comes, you have no choice but to build yourself a "new normal". Things will never return to the way they were. There is no "catching up" on lost time in the work and personal front. Adjustments need to be made. Stop pushing people away and making them the target of your pain. I pray that you find, as Ken Gire says, your "redemption". Choose life, and open yourself up to the many possibiities that this new normal brings. It's late. My heart is heavy but I know this will pass. Tomorrow will be better. It always is.