Coming Full Circle

Personal Testimony delivered at Greenhills Christian Fellowship on April 22, 2007

My husband and I lost our four year old son nine years ago in 1998. Migi, who was then four years old, passed away due to complications from an open heart surgery. The loss of a child is a pain too great for words.

Three months after his death, God blessed us with another son. Because I was recovering from childbirth, I stayed home most home the time to take care of our baby and another daughter who was then seven years old. Out of our family’s loss experience, the Lord brought forth a foundation called Migi’s Corner, a foundation that sets up play corners in government hospitals where children in the charity ward can go to play and read while recovering from illness or surgery.

In 1998, there were no workshops or support groups in the country that catered to bereaved parents like myself. Thus, I would find myself surfing the internet for hours, reading up on grief and recovery. Eventually, I went back to graduate school, took a course on bereavement studies and since 2001 have been teaching a course on grief at the Ateneo de Manila University.

GRIEFSHARE, GCF’s grief ministry was born out of that loss that my family experienced nine years ago. Sometime in June last year, my husband Hector and I approached Pastor RG Foncardas about the possibility of setting up a grief recovery program in GCF. Because we had received so much comfort from the Lord during our grief journey, our family wanted to be able to give back that same comfort to other people who had lost loved ones. And because we knew in our hearts that the Lord is the only one who can pull you out of the darkness that is grief, we wanted to share that with others who had been bereaved as well. The church was most supportive and gave their blessings to support the ministry. We had planned on an October launch for Griefshare.

On August 27 last year, I found myself hovering between life and death when it was discovered that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Thus, in the early morning of August 28, 2007 I had to undergo emergency surgery. Thus, even before Griefshare could begin, our family had experienced another loss.

I could not understand it back then and was searching for God’s message. Now I look back and think that perhaps it was another way to prepare us for the ministry we were about to undertake.

On November 2007, Griefshare was finally launched and our first module “graduated” 12 students who were in varying stages on the grief journey when they first came to attend Griefshare. From that initial batch we had seven bereaved parents, three widows, and two people who had lost either parent or sibling. It is not an easy ministry because it is one that demands you to be involved mind, heart and spirit into the lives of your participants. The greatest joy that my husband and I have found is in watching our participants burdens lift as they come to know the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and when they begin to process and understand their own grief.

The recovery is quite visible in marked in others. Initially they come with such heavy laden hearts and you see it in their eyes, their speech, the way they move, in their manner of dressing. Half--way through the 13-week program, you can see the load become lighter, the smiles return, and they slowly learn to laugh again. They start wearing brighter colored clothing, re-invest their lives in new activities, they learn how to pray and reflect, seek Bible studies and begin to truly trust the Lord once more. God truly gives grace for the healing.

Grief is a process that cannot be rushed and GRIEFSHARE does not guarantee that you will be completely healed from your losses after the 13-week program. When one experiences a death, it is like going through a tunnel, the downside is that it is dark but the upside is that there is a light at the end of it. GRIEFSHARE helps its participants begin walking through that tunnel, showing them what to expect while they are in the darkness and at the same time reminding them that there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark because God is there.

A GRIEFSHARE session is divided into two parts – in the first part, participants view a videos where U.S. grief experts who are Christians themselves talk about the healing journey – Dr. Larry Crabb, Dr. Bill Bright, Elizabeth Elliott, Kay Arthur, Barbara Johnson and participants who have been through the Griefshare workshops themselves. The second part is where we come together in a smaller support group to share what we have learned in the video and share what is going on in our own healing journeys. We always end our sessions with prayer and thanksgiving for what has transpired during that day.

If you know of someone, or you are someone who has lost a loved one through death, I urge you to join GRIEFSHARE and begin your journey towards healing and recovery. We meet here every Saturday afternoon from 2-5PM. Psalm 30 verse 5 says, “Weeping may last for a night, buy joy comes with the morning. Loss always takes place for a reason and pain can be transformative if you embrace it. The Lord has promised to one day turn your mourning into joy. To God be the glory. Thank you very much.

Nothing By Accident

The Lord always works in mysterious ways, HIS wonders to perform.

I remember reading this line back when I was 10 year old and wondered what it meant. Through the years, it has taken on a deeper meaning as I have seen it come alive in several circumstances in my own life and as I have seen it happen in the lives of others. I am a firm believer that nothing happens in this world by chance or accident. That there are no coincidences and that no one is ever just "lucky" but that when something fortunate or serendipitous takes place, it happened because God has allowed it to, for a purpose.

Last Saturday, my husband H and I began the second module of GRIEFSHARE last April 14, 2007 at the Greenhills Christian Fellowhsip Church in the Ortigas Business District. As a I looked over the partcipants in the room that afternoon, a sudden realization hit me, six out of the seven families there had lost a loved one through sudden death, five of them through a tragic accident. I could not help but feel for their losses but in the same breath, asked God to help us, to fill both H and I with the courage to minister to the lives that had been entrusted to us for that Griefshare module. Clearly, it was going to be a pretty heavy session.

GRIEFSHARE starts out by viewing a video where grief experts from the United States share their knowledge and comfort about the experience of loss. After the video and a short break, we break up into a discussion group and share with one another what we learned from the video. THe discussion becomes a support group of sorts where H and I, together with another facilitator help the participants navigate their grief journey. It was there, after hearing their stories that it was evident that 6 out of the 6 families (one had to leave earlier) had experienced losses ALL due to accidents. I am sure that this was meant to be by God. To lose a loved one in itself is also a great tragedy, but to lose someone so suddenly and through an accident, complicates the grief even further.

If you are reading this, please help us pray that those who are currently attending our GRIEFSHARE group be healed in God's time of their loss. Grief is a long journey but with prayers and support, in HIS time, it is always possible to move from a place of deep sadness into a place of hope. We are also beginning a teens group and most of our participants are healing from the loss of their sibling. Please include them in your prayer time too.

From Mourning To Moving On

MANILA, Philippines - Next year, it will be 10 years since he died.
Does loss really become more bearable with the passage of time? How does loss transform you? It has taken me close to 10 years to find the answers to these questions, and the exercise continues to be a work in progress.Let me try to explain by telling you my story.

In 1998, my 4-year-old son Migi died of complications from open-heart surgery to repair a congenital heart defect. We were told that there was only a five percent chance of mortality, so my husband and I decided, after much prayer and discussion, to go through with the procedure. Twenty-four hours after surgery, Migi lay in a coma, never to awaken until he was called home to heaven in the early evening of June 3, 1998. A few days before his death, we had been told to expect the worst, some sort of forewarning or preparation. Nevertheless, when death comes, the pain still hits you with such full force and you are completely knocked out of your senses. In addition to this, at the time of Migi's death, I was six months pregnant with a third child.

Death changes you in ways you can never imagine. One has to walk the actual journey to understand the terrain of griefwork and mourning. People who have had no prior experience in losing someone they love, no matter how well-intentioned, will never understand the depth and breadth of the loss that you experience. And though pain is universal, every loss is unique. Two parents who have each lost a child may have similarities in the ways that they grieve, but each one's experience will be as unique as the relationship that the parent had with his or her child.
A widow's pain is not the same as that of someone who has lost a parent, a sibling or a child. Yet, all of them will go through a period of mourning and recovery.

Does one ever really recover from a loss? I prefer to say that eventually, one gets to move on and get on with the rest of one's life, but never really fully and completely recovers from it. If you are brave enough to completely embrace the pain of your loss and stay with it, then you can emerge a better and more com-passionate human being.

When you lose someone you love, there are only two ways you are changed, you either become bitter, or you become better. I opted to take the latter road.

But how do you get there, and when? There is no timetable for grieving. You can allow yourself to grieve for as long as necessary, so long as you do not harm yourself, or become harmful to others. Initially, there is a period where you just want to be by yourself and with your sadness. That is perfectly okay and acceptable. However, this period should not be extended unnecessarily, especially if other people depend on you for their existence - children, spouses, parents.

Everyone grieves a loss in a family, but in many different ways and degrees. Dr. Kathleen Gilbert, my professor in grief psychology at the University of Indiana, likes to say, "In one family, there may be one loss, but many griefs."

Acceptance and communication are essential to the healing process. You cannot move on if there is no acceptance. Says the February 2007 issue of the Journal of American Medical Association: "Acceptance was the most frequently experienced (positive) grief indicator, and yearning was the dominant negative grief indicator from one to 24 months postloss." Yearning for the loved one is the most difficult emotion that one will have to deal with, especially in the first two years after the death. Does it get better after the second year? Yes, slowly, painfully, but in time, it does.

What are some of the things I have found personally helpful in my own grief journey? First and foremost is prayer. I cannot begin to tell you the countless times I have gone down on my knees when the sadness became too difficult to bear and almost overwhelmed me. God's word and His faithfulness are what saw me and my family through all the dark nights of our souls. It is a comfort that we now give to other people who are bereaved, through a grief recovery program called Griefshare.

The second most helpful thing for me was to find a way to communicate my pain. Women are much better at this because when they grieve, there is a social element to it. We like to talk about our pain to anyone who will care to listen. Journaling is an exercise that both men and women can use to help alleviate the heaviness in their hearts. All you need is a pen and paper and a place where you can be alone with your thoughts. Write away your pain.

Third, and perhaps the most important tool, if you can call it that, was the act of reaching out to others who are also in pain. Born out of the experience of losing Migi was a project called Migi's Corner, a play area for pediatric patients situated in various government hospitals throughout the country. Another friend and bereaved mother, Noemi Dado, together with Alma Miclat, helped put up The Compassionate Friends, a monthly grief support group for bereaved parents. After her daughter's tragic death, Gina De Venecia set up the Ina Foundation that seeks to provide a shelter and counseling services for bereaved mothers. There are countless other foundations set up by people who have lost loved ones. I believe it is when we step out of the shadows of our own loss and pain and begin to truly reach out to others who walk the same path, that we truly heal.

This article was published in the Sunday Inquirer Magazine, April 8, 2007

Caring for the self and Remembering a Son

I always get a little crazy and blue in the week leading up to Migi's birthday. Somehow this year was more difficult than the previous ones even if I was now close to nine years away from his loss. Perhaps the knowledge that he is now a teen-ager triggered my deep sense of loss this time around.


For the uninformed, Migi is my 4 year old son who died in June 1998 from complications due to an open heart surgery. It's been close to nine years now and yesterday, February 21, I like to think that he turned 13 in heaven.

My good friend T, and I hied off to Tagaytay early Monday morning for a huge slice of quiet time. We decided to stay overnight at one of my soul sanctuaries -- the Good Shepherd Convent in Tagaytay City. God always knows what we need even before we ask for it and looking back now on the events that have transpired over the last four days, I was certainly meant to be with the Good Shepherd sisters last February 19.

We arrived early enough to savor the mid-morning breeze and were warmly welcomed by the sisters. Although I am no longer a practicing Catholic, spending time at the convent, amidst it's lovely gardens and being so close to nature, has always been a healing experience for me. T spent the greater part of the morning talking to Sister Rose while I settled quietly into our spartan room on the convent's third floor and caught up with much-needed sleep. The 19th was the start of a personal 3-day hiatus from life's stresses and a shutting out of everything and everyone (except family and very close friends). After lunch, T and I each sequestered a hammock and we just hung out there alternately meditating, chatting and reading God's word. I know, it sounds like a weird combination but that's how T and I manage to throw our cares and worries to the wind. To each her own formula.


Sometime in the early afternoon, a bit of distressing news came to me and I was momentarily taken over by a deep sadness. Taking hold of my Bible, I turned to my devotional that day, and how quickly the Lord addressed the cries of my heart. Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd was my reading for the day. And to add even further comfort, it was like someone asked me - "And where do you find yourself this day?" - at the Good Shepherd convent! What further reassurance did I need from the Lord that everything would be all right and He would take care of all my anxieties? HE had spoken loud and clear to me that afternoon.


When it became a little cooler, T and I moved down to where the labyrinth was and we took turns walking it. Coming to the convent and walking the labyrinth has always been part of my rituals whenever I needed to make a major decision or needed enlightenment on certain issues. That day was no exception. To the uninitiated, a labyrinth, as defined by the Lessons for Life website "is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness. It combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools. At its most basic level the labyrinth is a metaphor for the journey to the center of your deepest self and back out into the world with a broadened understanding of who you are."





T went ahead and walked the sacred path as I sat in the shade to meditate further and take photos of the beautiful scenery. When she was done, it was my turn to enter the path and think about my life and the decisions I needed to make. Try as I could to focus and steady my breathing, I was bothered with too many issues buzzing around in my head. When I finally got to the center of meditation, I closed my eyes and just stared at the bowl of water with lilies that was in front of me. When I opened my eyes, the thought, "BE still and know that I am God." came to me and was repeated several times. Prayer as they say is always practiced two ways - one is when you talk to God in a very personal way to thank Him, praise Him and and ask for whatever it is you need; and the second type of prayer is when you just sit still and listen to His voice and His leading.

T and I called it a day at 9PM and though it was all quiet in the halls and pitch black outside our window, save for a few stars, we slept oh-so soundly. I had no worries. H was home with the kids, allowing me this private time to unwind and regroup in God's garden. The following morning, we woke up refreshed and greeted by a glorious sunrise. After a hearty breakfast (oh how the nuns love to feed their guests with delicious home cooked meals!) we again hibernated on our hammocks for some more quiet time before heading back into the city.

Time spent quietly in HIS presence and surrounded by the magnificent work of His hands is am experience I would recommend to all mid-lifers. It is an advocacy I have begun to espouse to all women I know. Quiet time always helps us return to our center and our focus on HIM who knows our heart .

God is ever present in the sunsets of our lives...



as well as the sunrise...





and He has his eye on us 24/7. Matthew 8:26 says - "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. are you not worth much more than they?"



Whatever you are going through right now, or wherever you are on your own life's journey, God has placed you there for a reason.

"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love." - Caroline Adams

Next -- Pampering the body and the spirit

Women In Grief and God's Faithfulness

My friend Chinchin's faith is amazing. When one spends time with people like her, you really feel and touch the presence of God. Chin had been in a fire that gutted everything she had ever owned. Worse, she herself suffered second-degree burns from the heroic act of saving her bedridden mother by jumping from the second floor of her home down to the ground floor. The other day her mom finally, after a long struggle passed away.

I spent some time with her last night coming straight from the grief support group that H and I facilitate every Saturday afternoon. Though the sadness in her eyes was palpable, her unwavering faith in the Lord was truly admirable. "It could have been worse you know," she told me. "We could have lost her in the fire..." Managing to see the positive in the midst of loss and tragedy is clearly an act of faith. "I'm just really going to miss my baby..." she said wistfully. For the last three years now Chin had been taking care of her mom Cecilia who has been bedridden. Her devotion knows no bounds. Her mom has always been her prime concern. I remember the day that we received our TOWNS award in Malacanang in October 2004, she was elated but her thoughts were on her mom whom she had just rushed to the hospital. Chin is truly, a beautiful person inside and out. Often misunderstood in the past, she is now entering a new phase in her life. I pray that the Lord give her the strength she needs for the journey and that she continue to cling to Him in this, perhaps her darkest hour.

At church today, our pastor posed this question to the congregation - Is anything too trivial for the Lord? Definitely, nothing is too small or trivial for HIM. I was reminded of His faithfulness once more when I had to switch to a new cardiologist this week because my previous one had migrated to the U.S. last November. My mind had been set on seeing Dra. L who had been referred to me. But for reasons only God knows, she had cancelled clinic on the day I was supposed to see her and was terribly late on my second try. Waiting in her office that day, a very pleasant and pretty doctor came in whose aura immediately caught my eye. I asked the secretary if that was Dra. L and she said no, it was Dra. Cheng. After a few more minutes I found out that she too was a cardiologist and that she was also part of healthcare's network. Coincidences? No coincidences in God's divine plan.

I then asked the secretary if I could just see her since I had yet another appointment to catch. After two patients, I went in to see Dra. Cheng, told her my history and exchanged pleasantries, I told her that I was seeing an Dra. Domingo, electrophysiologist for my Wolff-Parkinson's-White and it turns out that she and that doctor were very good friends as well. I then mentioned that I had grown up with Dra. Domingo. "Oh did you go to Philippine Science?" she asked me with a smile. I then replied that no, but my husband did. It turns out that Dra. Cheng had gone to school in Maryknoll grade school (where I too went) and then to Pisay for high school. Even more amazing was the fact that her father and H, sat together on the Pisay foundation board. Too many coincidences is how the secular world would see it but as I left the clinic that afternoon I was filled with great thankfulness in my heart for how faithful God is in leading us to the right people. So many times He has lead me to the right healers. Truly, nothing is ever trivial in God's sight :)

Quote : "It is only through solitude that we can find our true center and discover our real selves. " I took the photo above as I was strolling on a beach in Pacific Grove, CA last year at a particularly low point in my life. The old lady in the shed caught my eye and I could not help but think about her life. Was she a widow? Why was she alone? As I told a friend before, our perception of things will always be colored by our own personal experiences and history. I look at the photograph now and think that the lady is probably relishing her quiet time with God in the midst of a beautiful ocean. Savoring her solitude in her sunset years :)