Is Wrong To Ask God "Why?"

Often in my work as a grief counselor, counseling people through periods of loss and transition, people always ask "Is it wrong to ask God why?" That's a tough question to answer and one that I used to ponder on myself. Personally, I don't think it's bad to ask God "why" when one is in the throes of deep pain and suffering, blinded by the tears that accompany an occurence of deep grief. It becomes wrong I guess when we remain stuck in asking God why and turning our wrath and anger on Him and on our loved ones.

The other day, I came across a devotional by best-selling Christian author, Elizabeth Elliott who is one lady who has known many episodes of loss and grief in her life. Let me now share it here with you...

"Sometimes I've said, "O Lord, you wouldn't do this to me, would you? How could you, Lord?" I can recall such times later on and realize that my perspective was skewed. One Scripture passage which helps me rectify it is Isaiah 45:9-11 (NEB): "Will the pot contend with the potter, or the earthenware with the hand that shapes it? Will the clay ask the potter what he is making?... Thus says the Lord, would you dare question me concerning my children, or instruct me in my handiwork? I alone, I made the earth and created man upon it." He knows exactly what He is doing. I am clay.

The word humble comes from the root word humus, earth, clay. Let me remember that when I question God's dealings. I don't understand Him, but then I'm not asked to understand, only to trust. Bitterness dissolves when I remember the kind of love with which He has loved me--He gave Himself for me. He gave Himself for me. He gave Himself for me. Whatever He is doing now, therefore, is not cause for bitterness. It has to be designed for good, because He loved me and gave Himself for me.\n\n\u003cp\>Is it a sin to ask God why?\n\n\u003cp\>It is always best to go first for our answers to Jesus Himself. He cried out on the cross, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" It was a human cry, a cry of desperation, springing from His heart's agony at the prospect of being put into the hands of wicked men and actually becoming sin for you and me. We can never suffer anything like that, yet we do at times feel forsaken and cry, Why, Lord?

The psalmist asked why. Job, a blameless man, suffering horrible torments on an ash heap, asked why. It does not seem to me to be sinful to ask the question. What is sinful is resentment against God and His dealings with us. When we begin to doubt His love and imagine that He is cheating us of something we have a right to, we are guilty as Adam and Eve were guilty. They took the snake at his word rather than God. The same snake comes to us repeatedly with the same suggestions: Does God love you? Does He really want the best for you? Is His word trustworthy? Isn't He cheating you? Forget His promises. You'd be better off if you do it your way.

I have often asked why. Many things have happened which I didn't plan on and which human rationality could not explain. In the darkness of my perplexity and sorrow I have heard Him say quietly, Trust Me. He knew that my question was not the challenge of unbelief or resentment. I have never doubted that He loves me, but I have sometimes felt like St. Teresa of Avila who, when she was dumped out of a carriage into a ditch, said, "If this is the way You treat your friends, no wonder You have so few!" Job was not, it seems to me, a very patient man. But he never gave up his conviction that he was in God's hands. God was big enough to take whatever Job dished out (see Job 16 for a sample). Do not be afraid to tell Him exactly how you feel (He's already read your thoughts anyway). Don't tell the whole world. God can take it--others can't. Then listen for His answer. Six scriptural answers to the question WHY come from: 1 Peter 4:12-13 (Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though somethings strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.); Romans 5:3-4 (Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.) ; 2 Corinthians 12:9 ( But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."); John 14:31 ( but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me. "Come now; let us leave."); Romans 8:17 (Now if we are children, then we are heirs -- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.); and finally, Colossians 1:24 ( Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his bosy, which is the church.). There is mystery, but it is not all mystery. Here are clear reasons."

So yes, if you are reading this and wanting to ask God "Why?" then my reply is, go ahead and ask the questions but believe that, just as he has promised, "all thing work for good for those who love the Lord." From the depths of suffering and darkness trust that one day there will be great rejoicing and light.

Help A Grieving Child

Do you know a child (between the ages of 3 to 18) who is grieving? Are you interested in helping that child?

Come to our special seminar on "Helping Children Grieve" on Monday, September 24, 2007 at the Greenhills Christian Fellowship church on Ruby corner Garnet Roads in the Ortigas business district. My husband and I will be facilitating a two-hour video/workshop on how to better understand a child's grieving process. This will be very helpful to doctors, parents, educators or anyone working with children. The workshop starts at 6:30 PM.

There is no fee. Just call 0917-529-1964 to register or email griefisajourney@gmail.com

Please pass on this information to those whom you think might benefit from attending this session. Thanks!

Life After A Miscarriage, One Year Later

Exactly one year ago today, God gave me a second lease on life.

Some moments in life change you forever and
my loss last year was one such event. By no coincidence, there is a lunar eclipse tonight - a "Red Moon Rising". Reading about it in the papers today I thought for a moment, what could be the significance of that? I Googled it and found a book with the exact same title that talks about a 24-7 prayer movement that begun in London in 1999. The book talks about the power of prayer and how it can see one through in the darkest of times. Prayer is the "red moon rising" against the backdrop of a dark evening sky. I suppose God only wanted to remind me of His promise and His faithfulness amidst difficult and challenging times. That no matter how dark the landscape may seem to be, He will always be there for us and that all we need to do is call on Him.


It took me a while to get over that loss. Looking back now I guess I was just so glad to make it through a life-threatening situation that it was months later when I realized that, "Hey, I lost another child too." In November last year, H and I began to facilitate Griefshare and it was there, in one of the sessions that the loss finally sank in. A miscarriage, such as the one I had, is a valid loss and it takes anywhere from six - nine months for the the physical body and the emotions to get back to normal. It's no wonder then why in December, four months after my surgery, I was still weepy and touchy. I can say now that it was only around March or April this year, that I was finally able to move on.

And by moving on, I closed a chapter in my work life, but then by God's grace, a new one was born and my work life, in a sense, came full circle as I returned to the paper that first nurtured me into becoming the writer that I am now.

In the year past, there are many things that I have re-evaluated and have painfully come to terms with, to this day, the story continues to unfold. Many lessons have been given to me in the last 12 months. Last week I had lunch with my good friend Alya and I was telling (more like ranting) to her about several changes in my life. Always wise, she told me that for most of us at this stage, a "spring cleaning" of sorts is necssary when we realize that the old ways and the old relationships do not work anymore. When the winter of one's life has passed, one needs to weed out and prune, sometimes painfully, what is unecessary in order to make way for the new life and growth that spring brings.

Today I thank God for the second lease in life He has given me. Lord grant me the wisdom and grace to live it well in accordance to your purpose and will for me.

Sibling Loss, My Daughter Remembers Her Brother

The following essay was written by my daughter P, four years ago when she was 12 years old. I am inspired to post it here after she showed me a self-portrait that she took of herself last night, the one pictured above here. Loss early in life really imbues you with a sense of wisdom far beyond your years. It also puts into your heart a sense of sadness that will forever be there. Re-reading this again today I was struck at how vivid the images of our experiences as a family really stuck to head. P knew loss at the tender age of seven when we lost Migi in 1998. A child's grief is cyclical in the sense that it appears at every point in the various developmental stages. Perhaps now as a teen-ager her way of working it out is through photography. Perhaps it also had to do with her coming from a retreat that put her in a reflective mood. She called the photograph above "Seeking Migi For Inspiration" as she journaled her thoughts away. Below is P's essay which hangs in frame over my work table.


"All I Needed To Learn In Life... I Learned From My Younger Brothers"

Being an ate is hard work.

I should know, I was born into a family with two younger brothers. Older sisters often regard their younger siblings as pests, annoyances or simply those little brothers that you want to bite when you're "naiinis" or frustrated. Being an ate myself I won't deny the fact that yes, my brothers can frustrate me sometimes. They too can be a total monster. But I don't focus on that. When they make me mad, I just remember all the good times we've had together, the lessons they've taught me and the lessons they are still teaching me as the days pass. I've learned everything I need to know from them and they've taught me in the most unique ways.

My first younger brother Migi was born three years after me in 1994. He was born with a heart disease called Tetralogy of Fallot. Living with a brother with a disease taught me that I should accept people's diseases or differences. I understood that some people are just born with special needs or differences and that I should learn to respect them. I remember that he taught me how to share. We used to share everything! We shared books, toys, and even the same room. Most importantly we were able to share the advantage of being blessed to be raised by great parents, together.


Another important virtue that I learned from him was to be patient. As a child I remember some days when we would play and he would get too tired, his lips would turn blue, he'd turn pale and he would have to be placed in front of an air conditioner or an electric fan while being rocked back and forth by our mom. I never really complained when this happened, I understood that I had to be patient and wait until he was all right again. I realized that my baby brother had special needs. Until today, even if I know that God has called him home, I will never forget my Migi, the brother I had who taught me so much, without realizing he did. He is always on my mind.

Then came Leon. He came into mylife just three months after Migi became an angel. Leon seemed just somuch like a sign of Migi saying "Ate you've got to move on now." Now, I am old enough to understand that God had to take my Migi but he also sent me little Leon to help me move on, keep living my life. So much like the saying, "When God closes a door, he opens a window." I totally dote on Leon. He is now a happy and robust 5 year old who teaches me more lessons and reminds me of those little values and good doings I tend to forget. He's got just about the greatest concience. He is the first one to reprimand me if I do something wrong. And when I've made a mistake, he always tells me that it's okay to lose and that I can just try again. He really does! He also reminds me of even the most unique of things, especially not t o have a boyfriend yet! He says his reason is that when I'd get one, his heart would hurt. Leon is very intelligent for his age and really takes whatever he learns in school very seriously. Especially those good things they tell you that you should do in kindergarten. Lately he has been reminding me that I should always eat fruits and vegetabled. He is ever so sweet and has so much compassion for others. The other day he told me, "Ate this Christmas we've got to help poor people." Leon really doesn't realize how much he teaches others just by being his usual perky 5-year old self.

A lot of people have commented that I'm a "goody-goody". I really don't mind being called such because it makes me realize that I have been blessed to have grown up in such a stable family. My family is supportive and very willing to accept me for who I am. They have created who I am today. My brothers have been my biggest inspiration throughout my grade school years and I really haven't been through an English teacher yet who doesn't know about my brothers. This is the first time though that I've written about how much they really mean to me. Through this, I want to thank them, Migi up in heaven who I know may even have been with me the whole time I wrote this, and sweet Leon who is my remaining little boy. I just want them to someday know how much they mean to me. I want just the best for them. But no matter what happens, whether they find out or not and whatever may happen during our lives, my brothers will always be the world to me.

P.B. G. December 10, 2003

Griefshare Ministry on the 700 Club

This day has been quite a long but terribly blessed one.

The day began with H and I guesting on "The 700 Club" to talk about our Griefshare Ministry. What was particularly poignant was when they showed us a clip of an interview I had done for them back in 2000 when there were only two, going on three Migi's Corners. I had very short hair on the video and P was a chubby nine year old while L was a precocious two. I couldn't help but tear when then-little P talked about her two brothers - "My younger brother is totally different from my older brother in many ways... and he's not a replacement for my older brother." So wise even at such a young age.

How much our lives have changed since then. Now, there are 12 Migi's Corners all over the Philippines and H and I now share a common ministry that is Griefshare. As Kata Inocencio, the 700 Club host put it perfectly, from Migi, there came about Migi's Corners for children, and now there is Griefshare for adults and families. Truly the ministry has evolved and continues to change from where it began nine years ago. A decade back, I would not even imagine doing this kind of work. But such are the ways of the Lord, that He is able to transform the worst nightmares of your life into something that will benefit many people. And the projects and ministries have never been about us, but about the saving grace of our Lord, of how He is able to comfort us at the lowest point and give meaning to a very great loss. "All things work together for good to those that love the Lord..." This, we hold on to as we continue to do HIS work for us here on earth.

The episode on Griefshare will air on August 9, 2007, 1130PM on QTV