Helping Children Grieve

He seems okay on the surface. He or she has high grades, continues to play, and does not exhibit any outward manifestations of sadness. Children grieve differently than adults and so we often mistakenly assume that everything is okay and they aren't grieving at all.

A child's grief is masked because it looks differently than what we are used to seeing in adults and older kids. Kids grieve in small pieces at a time. They can't take the full force of the loss all at once. Their grieving is very inefficient. They approach it, feel it, take it in, and then go off and play something totally different. They'll come back again for another dose of grieving when they're ready.

I remember very clearly to this day how it was for me when my dad died. I was 16 years old, in the summer entering my senior year of high school. He died in April and we returned to school in June. My life went on, seemingly as normal as possible. I grew up 10 years that summer -- 16 going on 26 and my brother was 10. The year ran and then one evening, nine months after my father had died, while writing and my mother began to panic because I seemed inconsolable. So she took me for a ride around our village, let me cry it all out in the car. We talked about my dad for the first time in nine months. I had never brought the subject up for fear of upsetting her. Little did I know that bottling it all inside was so very unhealthy for my 17-year old psyche.

And in the years that followed, I continued to remember him. Through graduations, and weddings, and family milestones. Twenty-eight years later I continue to remember him so well. It never really goes away. When you lose a parent between the ages of seven and seventeen, at a critival developmental stage in your life, it just becomes a part of you forever. And this is why I have started to do Good Grief -- I draw from the experience of a childhood loss but this time I apply the tools I have learned in grief therapy to help make the road for other grieving children a much better one than the one I had to navigate 28 years ago.

Just because a child is playing doesn't mean that he or she is not grieving. Play IS a child's work. Often, adults will see kids at play and think "That death must not have made much impact because they're just going right on playing." They're grieving, but in their own way. The relative quickness with which a child moves in and out of her expression of grief, often belies the intensity of her feelings.

When a child experiences the death of a family member, "there is a great deal happening under the surface," according to Dr. John Baker, a child psychologist swho specializes in bereavement issues at Harvard Medical School. "And if they have to," he continues, "they will keep it down inside, locked up." The child appears to be doing well. But appearances here can be deceptive.

In his book Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies, J. William Worden reported that the Harvard Child Bereavement Study found many children are more at risk for emotional and behavioral difficulties two years after a death than they were immediately after or at one year after the death. More children feel fearful or anxious a year after the death than right away. And, two years after the death, many bereaved children reported significantly lower self-worth than nonbereaved children.

Every child needs to have a safe place where he or she can express their grief and this is what we hope to achieve with our Good Grief workshops. My daughter says it was so important for her back in 1998 to have found someone with a similar loss because after her brother, Migi died, she felt like the odd one out. In a workshop or support group, other children are able to meet and socialize with other kids who have experienced a similar pain, making them feel less alone, helping them find the confidence in knowing that they are not alone in their experiences.

Good Grief, a play and support group to help grieving children heal through storytelling, art, games and journalling activities, will be held on MAY 22, 2009 from 9:30 to 12noon in Makati. If you know of children (ages 6-12) who would benefit from attending this group, please email me at cathybabao@gmail.com to reserve a slot. Class size will be limited.

Fly High! Bidding Amiel Good-bye

Even grown men cry.

At 11:30 AM today, the Chapel of the Holy Angels at the Ateneo de Manila University Grade School was filled to the rafters as members of his family, friends and the school community bid Amiel Alcantara good-bye in a mass that was concelebrated by university president, Fr. Ben Nebres, and Fr. Kit Bautista, grade school headmaster.

In a tribute to his youngest brother, Avie Alcantara said that Amiel had wanted to achieve three things in life -- "to be an Eagle scout, a soldier and to be legendary." By dying early, Avie said, he managed to achieve two -- now he is a soldier of God and in a manner of speaking, has become legendary. "I know understand why he seemed to be more advanced than me even if I was older than him. Why he used hair gel at an early age, why he had a celphone and I didn't, why he used Axe deo cologne and why he was so adept at YM. I guess it was because he was going to leave us early."

Avie's talk was followed by a beautiful, moving five-minute video tribute made by his uncle, set to the song "Gone Too Soon". At this point, there was no dry eye in the entire church, including mine.

Pepe Alcantara gave the response on behalf of the family and in his message he made some salient and very insightful points --


For his son Amiel he said -- "Forgive me for not being there with you. I would have wanted to be there, to hold you, to protect you." Pepe recalled tearfully how at 6:45 AM on the day that Amiel died he had wondered why after their family van had backed out of the driveway, Amiel asked the driver to stop and he got off, rushed to Pepe and gave him a tight hug. "It was unusual for him to do that. Now I understand why," Pepe said, his voice breaking. "It was a day", he narrated, "that began with the tight hug of a much beloved son and ended with him inside a coffin." The lesson here, he says, is that when someone hugs you, makes sure you hug the person back and that yoiu do it well because you'll never know if it will be your last." He then shared with the crowd how, on the second day of the wake, a third grade student approached him and gave him an envelope, "I need to return this to you..." the young boy said. And when Pepe asked him what was inside, the boy told him that there was 111 pesos inside -- Amiel had been giving him money to supplement his allowance because he lived all the way and had to travel from Cavite. Amiel, was truly selfless even at such a young age.


Pepe then spoke about his family and how he saluted his son Avie for his courgaeous act of pulling Amiel out of the wreck that tragic Tuesday morning. He thanked Yaya Tata for saving Avie and daughter Jana from harm and in the process putting herself in harm's way instead. "Tata has been with us for 40 years, she was Melanie's yaya and is a second mom to my children. We are forever grateful to her."

Lastly, Pepe spoke to the community, asking them to be more protective of "the seeds in this community." He asked them -- "How can we regenerate, or even begin the process of regeneration if you are unable to protect the seeds that you have here." "Magpakatotoo tayo," he said solemnly, "How can regeneration happen if a child cannot even finish his sandwich..." and his vboice trailed off.


He spoke to Amiel's classmates from 4-Manobo-- "Amiel will be your angel, but I am sure he will not haunt you," he said in jest. "You will always be with us, every moment of every single day," he finished as he threw a sad gaze at where Amiel lay.



The morning's mass was ended with a beautiful release of blue and white balloons, an act that gave momentary joy as each member of Amiel's class released a balloon withg a message attached to it. The balloons were emblazoned with "Fly high Amiel" - a line that holds special meaning to anyone who has ever spent time as a student at the Ateneo. The balloons were released by Amiel's Grade 4 classmates and family members at the hearse slowly made its way to through the grade school driveway.

Fly high, Amiel. Fly heavenward, back to your real Home. As Avie Alcantara put it so beautifully, "In God we trust. In God, Amiel, we entrust."

Losing Amiel Alcantara - An Update

My heart is heavier now than it was earlier today when I started to piece together what had happenned to Amiel Alcantara, the Ateneo fourth grader who was hit by a CRV at the Ateneo de Manila grade school parking lot yesterday afternoon.

My husband and I have just returned from his wake and I am shocked, stunned and restless over the circumstances surrounding his death. The Alcantara's actually almost lost three children, and not just one.

Amiel, his 65-year old Yaya Tata (who has been with the family for 40 plus years), his 7 year old sister, and 13 year old brother Javi, together with the driver, were already so close to their car when the CRV driven by Teresa Torres, careened from behind and hit Amiel. Yaya Tata was able to push the youngest one and the elder boy out of the way but was too far to get to Amiel. Yaya Tata had herself suffered injuries and fractures and is set to have surgery next week. The most heart-wrenching thing about the whole thing is that it was the Alcantara's driver and 13 year old Javi who had to extricate Amiel from beneath the van. The impact was so strong that three other vehicles were damaged in the process before the vehicle finally came to a stop. How does a 13 year old young boy cope with the image of seeing his younger brother that way?

It was the driver who took Amiel to the New Era hospital and they were en route to the hospital in another Ateneo parent's car when Amiel died in his arms. Amiel's father, Pepe Alcantara, former chair of the UP Student Council in the 1980s, and his mother, Niann, were no longer able to see their youngest son alive. It is a tragedy of such great proportions.

The CRV that careened through the parking lot was around 25 meters away from where the kids were standing. Apparently, for some reasons that remain yet unclear, the driver had stepped heavily on the accelerator because a screeching sound, akin to those that you hear at drag races, was heard by several witnesses before the car sped and hit Amiel.

The saddest part is that according to reports, Mrs. Torres, herself a mother of a fourth grader at the Ateneo, has not offered any apologies to the Alcantara family and claims that it was all an accident. I really don't know if being unapologetic is a legal strategy or a symptom of post-traumatic stress. Charges of homicide, reckless imprudence and several counts of perjury have supposedly been filed against Mrs. Torres who remains in custody at a Quezon City police station early today.

The Alcantara's come from a large, closely-knit family and I was comforted to see many family members and friends at the wake this evening. I was seated beside Amiel's youngest sister who though smiling, appeared a bit dazed. "Sana that car was not there...it just kept moving and moving and would not stop," she told us when we asked her about the accident. My heart goes out to these children, I'm almost certain that this is a loss that they will carry with them forever. I only find comfort in knowing that Amiel is now happy and safe and whole with Jesus. I pray that justice will be served because Teresa Torres is a mother with a family too. May her family find courage and enlightenment. May God hold Amiel's siblings and family members close, protect them, and may they all be filled with the Holy Spirit so that they may be guided at this very difficult time.

Understanding Grief In Toddlers

Will Matilda ever remember Heath after he has long been gone?

Reading this entry on the Babyrazzi.com website made me stop, and reflect, looking into my own life and into my files (I teach a course on grief at the Ateneo De Manila) to answer this question that many people have wondered about since the day Heath died.

The very first question you would most likely as is -- Can a child this young understand the loss? My answer to that is, yes, they may not be able to fully comprehend it at this stage but they are able to feel it at his point, perhaps just as deeply as an older child or adult would but they will not be able to fully express the depth of their pain. Children this age do not yer understand the permanence of death and therefore will probably ask time and again, from out of the blue -- Where's daddy? or Where's mommy?. The important thing for the parent or caregiver to do is not to reply to the child with euphemisms by saying that he or she is asleep or that he or she in in heaven, or worse, say that God needed another angel. For a child this age, you can simply say that "Daddy died." and try to gently explain, in the simplest terms possible why he is not coming back.

Children also grieve in a cyclical pattern. Meaning, the grief or loss will revisit them at various stages in their developmental process and as they remember, there will be more questions because they are slowly inderstanding and coming to terms with the loss. A child, like Matilda, who lost her father at two, may feel the grief all over again at age seven, perhaps on an occasion such as Father's Day, and have new questions that she will want to ask of her surviving parent. That same issue may be raised again at age 12 or 13, upon an important milestone in the child's life, like a graduation, with even more probing questions, and then again in late adolescence. The most important thing to remember is to reply to the questions patiently, in a manner appropriate to the age of the child, to the degree with which they can comprehend it.

Children grieve differently from adults. They may appear okay on the surface but hurt deep inside. They may be sad one minute and playing the next. Play is one way of coping up to a certain age. Being the surviving parent, do not be afraid to grieve in front of your child. Of course hysteria is not encouraged but it's okay to cry in front of your children. That way, they will understand your pain and it can be a venue for you to share memories of your departed loved one.

It is also very important to have a support group available -- for yourself, as a parent and for the grieving child. You will not be able to answer all your child's questions and since you yourself are grieving too, it is very important to get some outside help. Teresa Vorsheck, director of the Highmark Caring Place, a center for grieving children, adolescents and their families in Pennsylvania, says the most important thing of all is just to listen and to be willing to admit you don't have the answers. For example, if a child asks where Mommy or Daddy is, and you don't know what to say, it's OK to say you don't know. If you come from a strong spiritual belief, that can help with the answers, but if you don't, don't be afraid to ask the child, "What do you think?" Try to find the answers together.

"As parents, when a child is hurting, we often feel we need to have the answers and to fix it, but there's no fix for this other than to bring the person back, and we can't do that," Vorsheck says. "This is a part of life, although a very difficult part, and we need to approach it with honesty."

Help A Grieving Child

Do you know a child (between the ages of 3 to 18) who is grieving? Are you interested in helping that child?

Come to our special seminar on "Helping Children Grieve" on Monday, September 24, 2007 at the Greenhills Christian Fellowship church on Ruby corner Garnet Roads in the Ortigas business district. My husband and I will be facilitating a two-hour video/workshop on how to better understand a child's grieving process. This will be very helpful to doctors, parents, educators or anyone working with children. The workshop starts at 6:30 PM.

There is no fee. Just call 0917-529-1964 to register or email griefisajourney@gmail.com

Please pass on this information to those whom you think might benefit from attending this session. Thanks!

Sibling Loss, My Daughter Remembers Her Brother

The following essay was written by my daughter P, four years ago when she was 12 years old. I am inspired to post it here after she showed me a self-portrait that she took of herself last night, the one pictured above here. Loss early in life really imbues you with a sense of wisdom far beyond your years. It also puts into your heart a sense of sadness that will forever be there. Re-reading this again today I was struck at how vivid the images of our experiences as a family really stuck to head. P knew loss at the tender age of seven when we lost Migi in 1998. A child's grief is cyclical in the sense that it appears at every point in the various developmental stages. Perhaps now as a teen-ager her way of working it out is through photography. Perhaps it also had to do with her coming from a retreat that put her in a reflective mood. She called the photograph above "Seeking Migi For Inspiration" as she journaled her thoughts away. Below is P's essay which hangs in frame over my work table.


"All I Needed To Learn In Life... I Learned From My Younger Brothers"

Being an ate is hard work.

I should know, I was born into a family with two younger brothers. Older sisters often regard their younger siblings as pests, annoyances or simply those little brothers that you want to bite when you're "naiinis" or frustrated. Being an ate myself I won't deny the fact that yes, my brothers can frustrate me sometimes. They too can be a total monster. But I don't focus on that. When they make me mad, I just remember all the good times we've had together, the lessons they've taught me and the lessons they are still teaching me as the days pass. I've learned everything I need to know from them and they've taught me in the most unique ways.

My first younger brother Migi was born three years after me in 1994. He was born with a heart disease called Tetralogy of Fallot. Living with a brother with a disease taught me that I should accept people's diseases or differences. I understood that some people are just born with special needs or differences and that I should learn to respect them. I remember that he taught me how to share. We used to share everything! We shared books, toys, and even the same room. Most importantly we were able to share the advantage of being blessed to be raised by great parents, together.


Another important virtue that I learned from him was to be patient. As a child I remember some days when we would play and he would get too tired, his lips would turn blue, he'd turn pale and he would have to be placed in front of an air conditioner or an electric fan while being rocked back and forth by our mom. I never really complained when this happened, I understood that I had to be patient and wait until he was all right again. I realized that my baby brother had special needs. Until today, even if I know that God has called him home, I will never forget my Migi, the brother I had who taught me so much, without realizing he did. He is always on my mind.

Then came Leon. He came into mylife just three months after Migi became an angel. Leon seemed just somuch like a sign of Migi saying "Ate you've got to move on now." Now, I am old enough to understand that God had to take my Migi but he also sent me little Leon to help me move on, keep living my life. So much like the saying, "When God closes a door, he opens a window." I totally dote on Leon. He is now a happy and robust 5 year old who teaches me more lessons and reminds me of those little values and good doings I tend to forget. He's got just about the greatest concience. He is the first one to reprimand me if I do something wrong. And when I've made a mistake, he always tells me that it's okay to lose and that I can just try again. He really does! He also reminds me of even the most unique of things, especially not t o have a boyfriend yet! He says his reason is that when I'd get one, his heart would hurt. Leon is very intelligent for his age and really takes whatever he learns in school very seriously. Especially those good things they tell you that you should do in kindergarten. Lately he has been reminding me that I should always eat fruits and vegetabled. He is ever so sweet and has so much compassion for others. The other day he told me, "Ate this Christmas we've got to help poor people." Leon really doesn't realize how much he teaches others just by being his usual perky 5-year old self.

A lot of people have commented that I'm a "goody-goody". I really don't mind being called such because it makes me realize that I have been blessed to have grown up in such a stable family. My family is supportive and very willing to accept me for who I am. They have created who I am today. My brothers have been my biggest inspiration throughout my grade school years and I really haven't been through an English teacher yet who doesn't know about my brothers. This is the first time though that I've written about how much they really mean to me. Through this, I want to thank them, Migi up in heaven who I know may even have been with me the whole time I wrote this, and sweet Leon who is my remaining little boy. I just want them to someday know how much they mean to me. I want just the best for them. But no matter what happens, whether they find out or not and whatever may happen during our lives, my brothers will always be the world to me.

P.B. G. December 10, 2003

Helping Your Child Deal With Loss

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY......
Originally uploaded by Cubbie1.

My daughter and I lost two very special people in our lives at crucial points in our childhood.

When I was 16 years old, my father died from a massive heart attack at the age of 49. We weren't able to say good-bye to him. I remember the day as if it took place only yesterday. Some memories stay with you for the rest of your life. P was 7 when her younger brother Migi died. He was four and they were as tight as tight could be. She wasn't able to bid him good-bye either. Worse, because of strict hospital policies, she was not even able to see him in the hospital. Whether that was in the end a good thing or not, I will never know. It's something I grapple with to this day.

What do you tell a child when a loved one is gone and how do you best say it? Children go through grief that can be called "cyclical". Meaning, it repeats itself through various stages in the child's development. The adult who is tasked with breaking the difficult news si often in a major quandary as to what to say and how to go about it. Here are some guidelines that may help you help you r child deal with loss.

First, Consider the child's age and his/her ability to understand the situation. A child of five will naturally have a very different perception of the situation versus a child of eight. Find out first what the child knows and try to speak to him or her by using terminology that he/she can understand.

Second, Never use euphemisms. Use precise terms when talking about death. Try to explain that being dead means that the body has stopped working and that it cannot be fixed. That it no longer feels cold or gets hungry. The good side of this is that a dead body doesn't feel any more hurt or pain.

Third, If the child asks whether you will die, respond that everybody dies someday but that you hope to live yet for a longer period of time and do things with the rest of the family for a long time.

Fourth, Children cannot tolerate long periods of sadness and they may want to play and go back to their usual activities. Allow them to do so. This does not mean that they did not love the person who has gone on or that they are being disrespectful. Give your child permission, in fact, encourage them, to indulge in the activities that they love. Play is an essential part of a child's healing process.

Fifth, Expect changes in the child's behavior or patterns and be sensitive to them. These may indicatethat the child is experiencing problems associated with the death. It is best to consult a specialist like a counselor, a child psychologist or a bearevement specialist to help your child hurdle this difficult time.

It can be difficult to be around bereaved children but do not avoid them or avoid discussing the issue of loss when they want to talk about it. Assure them of your love and care. Learn also how to express your grief in positive ways. Remember that your child watches and observes and you are his/her best role model for grief.